Christmas from the Heart

When someone we love dies, if we close our eyes, we can still see them in our every day walk of life. If you have lost someone you love, look for them today… you may be surprised to find that they are not really gone at all.

I heard your voice in the wind today
and I turned to see your face;
The warmth of the wind caressed me
as I stood silently in place.

I felt your touch in the sun today
as its warmth filled the sky;
I closed my eyes for your embrace
and my spirit soared high.

I saw your eyes in the window pane
as I watched the falling rain;
It seemed as each raindrop fell
it quietly said your name.

I held you close in my heart today
it made me feel complete;
You may have died...but you are not gone
you will always be a part of me.

As long as the sun shines...
the wind blows...
the rain falls...
You will live on inside of me forever
for that is all my heart knows.

My Baby Pictures

Breaking Eggs

Breaking Eggs

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

'That's a serious step,' he said. 'Have you thought it out completely?'

'Yes,' his young son answered. 'We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.'

'How about transportation?' the father asked.

'I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,' the little boy answered.

The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, 'What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know.'

'We've thought about that, too,' the little boy replied. 'We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!'

There will be a Full Moon Over Tulsa Friday Night

The full moon Friday night will be the biggest one of the year as Earth's natural satellite reaches its closest point to our planet.

Earth, the moon and the sun are all bound together by gravity, which keeps us going around the sun and keeps the moon going around us as it goes through phases. The moon makes a trip around Earth every 29.5 days. But the orbit is not a perfect circle.

The moon's average distance from us is about 238,855 miles. Friday night it will be just 221,560 miles away. It will be 14 percent bigger in our sky and 30 percent brighter than some other full moons during the year, according to NASA.

Tides will be higher Friday night, too. Earth's oceans are pulled by the gravity of the moon and the sun. So when the moon is closer, tides are pulled higher.

Scientists call these perigean tides, because the moon's closest point to Earth is called perigee. The farthest point on the lunar orbit is called apogee.

Some other strange lunar facts:
-- The moon is moving away as you read this, by about 1.6 inches a year. Eventually it'll be torn apart as an expanding sun pushes the moon back toward Earth for a wrenching close encounter.
-- There is no proof the full moon makes people crazy.
-- Beaches are more polluted during full moon, owing to the higher tides.

The moon will rise Friday evening right around sunset, no matter where you are. That's because of the celestial mechanics that produce a full moon: The moon and the sun are on opposite sides of the Earth, so that sunlight hits the full face of the moon and bounces back to our eyes.

At moonrise, the moon will appear even larger than it will later in the night when it's higher in the sky. This is an illusion that scientists can't fully explain. Some think it has to do with our perception of things on the horizon vs. stuff overhead.

Try this trick, though: Using a pencil eraser or similar object held at arm's length, gauge the size of the moon when it's near the horizon and again later when it's higher up and seems smaller. You'll see that when compared to a fixed object, the moon will be the same size in both cases.

You can see all this on each night surrounding the full moon, too, because the moon will be nearly full, rising earlier Thursday night and later Saturday night.
Interestingly, because of the mechanics of all this, the moon is never truly 100 percent full. For that to happen, all three objects have to be in a perfect line, and when that rare circumstance occurs, there is a total eclipse of the moon.

If We Could Shrink the Earth's Population

If we could shrink the earth's population

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following. There would be:

57 Asians

21 Europeans

14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south

8 would be Africans

52 would be female

48 would be male

70 would be non-white
30 would be white

70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian

89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all 6 would be from the United States.

80 would live in substandard housing

70 would be unable to read

50 would suffer from malnutrition

(ONE)1 would be near death;

(ONE)1 would be near birth;

(ONE)1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education;

(ONE)1 (yes, only 1) would own a computer.

When one considers our world from such a compressed perspective, the need for acceptance, understanding and education becomes glaringly apparent.

And, therefore . . .

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death, you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.

If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful, you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.

If you can read this message, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all.

As you read this and are reminded how life is in the rest of the world, remember just how blessed you really are!

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my Mother ramble about her youth.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains. I would have cried and laughed less while watching television - and more while watching life.

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."

There would have been more "I love yous"... more "I'm sorrys"...but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute... look at it and really see it...live it...and never give it back.

"Be courageous and bold. When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did."

The Writing on the Wall

A weary mother returned from the store,
Lugging groceries through the kitchen door.
Awaiting her arrival was her 8 year old son,
Anxious to relate what his younger brother had done.

"While I was out playing and Dad was on a call,
T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall!
It's on the new paper you just hung in the den.
I told him you'd be mad at having to do it again."

She let out a moan and furrowed her brow,
"Where is your little brother right now?"
She emptied her arms and with a purposeful stride,
She marched to his closet where he had gone to hide.

She called his full name as she entered his room.
He trembled with fear--he knew that meant doom!
For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved
About the expensive wallpaper and how she had saved.

Lamenting all the work it would take to repair,
She condemned his actions and total lack of care.
The more she scolded, the madder she got,
Then stomped from his room, totally distraught!

She headed for the den to confirm her fears.
When she saw the wall, her eyes flooded with tears.
The message she read pierced her soul with a dart.
It said, "I love Mommy," surrounded by a heart.

Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she found it,
With an empty picture frame hung to surround it.
A reminder to her, and indeed to all,
Take time to read the handwriting on the wall

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow

There are two days in every week about which we should not worry.
Two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

One of these days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares,
Its faults and blunders, Its aches and pains.
Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control.
All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday.
We cannot undo a single act we performed.
We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.

The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow.
With its possible adversities, Its burdens,
Its large promise and poor performance.
Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.
Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds,
but it will rise.
Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.

This just leaves only one day . . . Today.
Any person can fight the battles of just one day.
It is only when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternity's -
yesterday and tomorrow that we break down.
It is not the experience of today that drives people mad.
It is the remorse or bitterness for something which happened yesterday
and the dread of what tomorrow may bring.

Let us therefore live but one day at a time.

Halloween Jokes

What do you get when you cross a canary with a monster?
I don’t know, but when it sings you’d better listen!

Why did the little girl monster eat bullets?
She wanted to grow bangs.

Why is it good to play cards at the cemetery?
Because you can always did up an extra player.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Ice Cream.
Ice Cream who?
Ice Cream when I see a spider.

When is the best time to tell scary stories?
When the spirit moves you.

What do Monsters eat for a snack?
Lady-fingers

How can you tell when a monster has a bad cold?
By its coffin.

What’s a lovable monster?
One that hugs you to death.

What snack did the monsters give away at their party?
Free-toes.

What is a ghost’s favorite color?
Boo.

What did one mummy say to the other mummy?
‘That about wraps it up!’

Sex Therapy

A couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...!

Help with Stress

A lecturer when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked 'How heavy is this glass of water?' Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g. The lecturer replied, 'The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it.


If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.
If I hold it for an hour, I 'll have an ache in my right arm.
If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.
In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.'

He continued, and that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on.'

'As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.'

'So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can.'

So my friend, put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don't pick it up again until after you've rested a while.

Here are some great ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

* Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
* Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
* If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to be kind to others.
* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
* Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
* It's the second mouse that gets the cheese.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
* We could learn a lot from crayons... Some are sharp, some are pretty, and some are dull. Some have weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
*May you always have Love to Share, Health to Spare, and Friends that Care

HAVE A GREAT and 'STRESS-FREE' DAY!

I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

Homer Simpson's philosophy of life:
"Son, when you participate in sporting events,
it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

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Crime and Punishment

A mother finds an S&M magazine under her son’s bed while cleaning his room. Understandably disturbed, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband.

"Well?" his wife asks. "What do you think we should do?"

"I'm not sure," replies the father. "But we probably shouldn’t spank him."

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The Pope, a schoolboy and President Bush are in a plane. Suddenly the pilot suffers a heart attack and the craft takes a nosedive. As the engines sputter, the three passengers try to stay calm.

'Well,' says the Pope, 'we have established that none of us can land this baby, so we're going to have to jump for it.'

'But there are only two parachutes,' says the boy, pointing to a pile of bundles by the exit.

Without hesitating, President Bush rushes over to them, takes one and shouts: 'I am the President of the United States of America. I am the world's most powerful leader. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of my country. I have a responsibility to my people not to die.'

With that, he leaps out of the plane.

Now the Pope turns calmly to the schoolboy and says: 'I am already old. I have already lived my life as a good person and a priest. There is a place for me in heaven. I insist you take the last parachute.'

'No need,' says the boy, 'intelligent President Bush has taken my schoolbag...'

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A Man and His Animals

A man decides to start a farm. So he walks into town to buy some animals. At the farmers' market he first asks for a rooster.

"We don't call them roosters here," the clerk says snootily. "We call 'em cocks."

So the man buys one cock, then points at another animal and asks: "What do you call that?"

The clerk replies: "That's a pullet."

The man agrees to buy one.
Finally, he asks for a donkey.

The clerk replies: "We don't call them donkeys,
we call 'em asses, but we only have one left and he's very temperamental."

"What's wrong with it," asks the man, who is determined that he must have a donkey.

"Once in a while it will stop walking and
it won't budge unless you scratch it behind the ears," says the clerk.

The man decides to buy it anyway,
and pays for all the animals before starting his walk home.

On the way, the donkey suddenly stops and doesn't move.

But the man has his arms full with the rooster and pullet,
so has to stop a woman who is passing by to ask for help.

"Pardon me," he asks politely,
"would you mind holding my cock and pullet, while I scratch my ass?"

Please Do Not Forgot About Your Babies!!!

Already in 2008 there have been at least twenty-three deaths of infants and children after being left inside a hot vehicle. Last year there were a total of at least thirty-five such fatalities in the United States due to hyperthermia after they were left in hot cars, trucks, vans and SUV's. This sadly followed 42 and 30 child deaths in 2006 and 2005 respectively. Since 1998 there have been at least a total of 364 of these needless tragedies. This study shows that these incidents can occur on days with relatively mild (i.e., ~ 70 degrees F) temperatures and vehicles can occur reach life-threatening temperatures very rapidly.

STATISTICS

Total number of U.S. hyperthermia deaths of children left in cars, 2008: 23
Total number of U.S. hyperthermia deaths of children left in cars, 2007: 35
Total number of U.S. hyperthermia deaths of children left in cars, 1998-2008: 387
Average number of U.S. child hyperthermia fatalities per year since 1998: 36

LEGAL
Only 14 states have laws prohibiting leaving a child unattended in a vehicle.
The remaining 36 states do not have laws specifically against leaving a child unattended in a vehicle.

Currently 9 states have proposed legislation that would make it a crime to leave a child unattended in a vehicle .

Another 7 states have had previously proposed unattended child laws.

An Associated Press (AP) study "Wide disparity exists in sentences for leaving kids to die in hot cars" examined both the frequency of prosecutions and length of sentences in hyperthermia deaths- Charges were files in 49% of all the deaths. 81% resulted in convictions.- In cases with paid caregivers (i.e., childcare workers, babysitters) 84% were charged and 96% convicted- Only 7% of the cases involved drugs or alcohol.

States with "Unattended Child" Lawsclick to enlarge

MEDICAL

Heatstroke occurs when a person's temperature exceeds 104 degrees F and their thermoregulatory mechanism is overwhelmed - Symptoms include : dizziness, disorientation, agitation, confusion, sluggishness, seizure, hot dry skin that is flushed but not sweaty, loss of consciousness, rapid heart beat, hallucinations.

A core body temperature of 107 degrees F is considered lethal as cells are damaged and internal organs shut down.

Children's thermoregulatory systems are not as efficient as an adult's and their bodies warm at a rate 3 to 5 times faster than an adult’s.

VEHICLE HEATING DYNAMICS

The atmosphere and windows are relatively “transparent” to the sun’s shortwave radiation (yellow in figure below) and are warmed little. The shortwave energy does however warm objects that it strikes. A dark dashboard or seat can easily reach temperatures in excess of 180 degrees F.

These objects (e.g., dashboard, steering wheel, childseat) heat the adjacent air by conduction and convection and also give off longwave radiation (red) which is very efficient at warming the air trapped inside a vehicle.

SAFETY RECOMMENDATIONS

NEVER LEAVE A CHILD UNATTENDED IN A VEHICLE. NOT EVEN FOR A MINUTE !

Be sure that all occupants leave the vehicle when unloading. Don't overlook sleeping babies.

Always lock your car and ensure children do not have access to keys or remote entry devices. If a child is missing, check the car first, including the trunk. Teach your children that vehicles are never to be used as a play area.

Keep a stuffed animal in the carseat and when the child is put in the seat place the animal in the front with the driver.

Or place your purse or briefcase in the back seat as a reminder that you have your child in the car.

Make "look before you leave" a routine whenever you get out of the car.

Have a plan that your childcare provider will call you if your child does not show up for school.

BUSH In a BAR

President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'

Bush says, 'I'm planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big 'Boobs'.

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big 'boobs'?

Why kill a blonde with big 'boobs'?'

Bush turns to the bartender and says,

'See, I told you, nobody gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims'.

Six Inches

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.

Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

The lollipop girl

The cops raided the local brothel and had all the girls standing in line waiting to enter the paddy wagon.

A little old lady walked up and asked one of the girls what the line was for. She indicated they were giving out lollipops. The little old lady liked lollipops so she got in line too.

When she got up to the paddy wagon door, a cop said, "Hey grandma, aren't you a little old to be doing this?" She replied, "As long as they keep making them, I'll keep sucking them."

The Pirate

A young sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate. The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye. Unable to resist, the sailor asks “How’d you end up with a peg-leg?”

“I was swept overboard during a fierce storm,” says the pirate. “and a bloody shark bit off me whole darn leg!”

“Holy cow!” said the sailor. “What about the hook, how’d you get that?”

“Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship, a fierce sword battle ensued. One of them cut me darn arm!”

“Absolutely incredible!” gasped the sailor. “And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?”

“A bloody seagull dropping fell into me eye,” replied the pirate.

“Umm, you lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” asked the sailor, admonished.

Embarassed, the pirate answered “It was me first day with the hook.”

How to Make a Horse Laugh and Cry

A guy walks into a bar and offers $100 to anybody that will make his horse laugh. One guy whispers something into the horse's ear and the horse starts to laugh!

The following week, the guy is back in the bar and offers $200 to anybody that will make his horse cry. The guy who won the $100 last week, takes the horse off to the bathroom. The horse returns from the bathroom crying his eyes out!

Amazed the horse owner asked the guy how he did it? The guy says: "The first week, I told the horse I have a bigger dick than him and today I showed it to him!"

The Fly

There was a fly looking at some food in a river. The fly thought, "If I go down, I can get the food!"

There was a fish looking at the fly. The fish thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, I can get the fly!"

There was a bear looking at the fish. The bear thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, and that fish comes up to get the fly, I can get the fish!"

There was a man looking at the bear. The man thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, and the bear gets the fish, I can shoot the bear!"

There was a mouse looking at the man. The mouse thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear gets the fish, and the man shoots the bear, I can get the man's sandwich!"

There was a cat looking at the mouse. The cat thought, "If the fly goes down to get the food, the fish comes up to get the fly, the bear gets the fish, the man shoots the bear, and the mouse gets the sandwich, I can get the mouse!"

So the fly goes down to get the food. The fish comes up and gets the fly. The bear swipes his mighty paw and gets the fish. The man shoots the bear. The mouse runs for the man's sandwich. The cat lunges for the mouse, misses, and falls in the river.

What's the moral of the story?

When the fly goes down, the pussy gets wet.

SEE THE BRIGHT SIDE OF THINGS

I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help.

If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do
not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair. There are people in
this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.


Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness,
ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them.

Should you decide to send this to a friend; Thank you, you may have touched their life in ways you will never know!

Joke of the Day

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, “Hi, my name’s Joe, I’m here for Flo. We’re going to the show, is she ready to go?” The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, “My name’s Eddie, I’m here for Betty, we’re gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?” Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, “Hi, my name’s Chuck… –” and the farmer shot him.

Another man's picture

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" He nervously asks.

"No, silly, "She replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" He continues.

"No, not at all," She says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" He inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" She answers.

"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" He demands.

She whispers in his ear "That's me before the surgery."

Are You My Son?

An old man was sitting at the bar, when a young man came in with a mowhawk haircut dyed different colors. He sat down next to the old man and noticed that the old man was staring at him.

Finally the young man asks the man "What the hell are you staring at! Didn't you ever do anything crazy when you were a kid?"

The old man pondered for a moment and replied "Yeah, I screwed a peacock and I was wondering if you were my son."

Little Mary

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ”Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?” When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ”God Almighty !” shouted Mary and the teacher said, ”Very good” and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ”Who is our Lord and Savior?” But Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ”Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, ”Very good,” and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ”What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ”If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!” The Teacher fainted.

Searching for Happiness

Raindrops on roses, children’s wet kisses.
These are some of the things my mind misses.

Freshly cut grass in the summer
and bright red blooming flowers
Are just some of the things I enjoy,
along with spring showers.

Snowflakes that fall in the winter, a long spring drive.
These are some of the things that make me feel alive.

Baby puppies breath and tan colored walls.
Children dressed up nice and kids playing with balls.
A bright full moon late at night
Are some of the things that help me see the light.

A long swim at the lake, fishing from the shore
These are some of the things I adore.

When I feel all hope is lost
And I want to feel better at any cost
I just think about all these things,
And the happiness it brings.

Stress Reducing Ideas

Relax your standards. The world will not end if the grass doesn't get moved this weekend.

Unplug your phone. Want to take a long bath, meditate, sleep, or read without interruption? Drum up the courage to temporarily disconnect. (The possibility of there being a terrible emergency in the next hour or so is almost nil).

When feeling stressed, most people tend to breathe in short, shallow breaths. When you breathe like this, stale air is not expelled, oxidation of the tissues is incomplete, and muscle tension frequently results. Check your breathing throughout the day, and before, during, and after high-pressure situations. If you find your stomach muscles are knotted and your breathing is shallow, relax all your muscles and take several deep, slow breaths. Note how, when you're relaxed, both your abdomen and chest expand when you breathe.

Writing your thoughts and feelings down (in a journal, or on paper to be thrown away) can help you clarify things and can give you a renewed perspective.

Everyday, do something you really enjoy.

Some things I always wanted to do...

Fill a bottle with water from the Atlantic Ocean and empty it into the Pacific Ocean

I want to go on a road trip to nowhere...just drive until I run out of gas, fill back up and come back home.

Be able to change someone else’s life.

Get a tattoo

Learn how to better control my emotions.

Publish my story.

Go around dropping $100 dollar bills in random places just so strangers will find the money and feel lucky for at least one day.

Find the message I put in a bottle 25 years ago, and post it on my blog.

Lose weight and start weight lifting again.

Sign up for some college classes.

Get a new hair style...or at least cut what I’ve got shorter.

Why we live to be 80

The Way it Started


On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty
years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.

I'm a little stressed

I posted this on one of my other sites a couple years ago...but I still think its funny.

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I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture. The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing. Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.

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No Need to Reply,

I'll be on Vacation

Never take life seriously.

Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Memories

Warm moist breath floats across my cheek. The smell of sugar hits my senses, forcing my weary eyelids to rise slowly. Two wide, mischievous brown eyes stare down at me from four inches above my face.

"Good. You're awake," my youngest son pronounces in a voice at least ten decibels louder than I would ever care to hear this early in the morning.
It doesn't help that his mouth is just inches from my ear.

"Andrew," I mutter thickly, "I smell sugar. Have you been in the sugar?"

"Nope, I made you a surprise."

The words "I made" cause my heart to beat a bit faster. I'm just waking, and Andrew had no supervision while he "made" whatever it is he made. I assess the possibilities. Did it involve a glue gun? paint? A chainsaw?

"Oops!" Andrew says. Two soft, round orbs bounce off my head and onto the pillow. "I'm spilling your surprise."

I turn my head and stare at the two marshmallows on my bed. "You made me something with marshmallows?"

"Aren't you exited?" He lowers the plate I hadn't noticed him holding high above my head. It's big, heavy and stoneware--and I am suddenly thankful to be hit by marshmallows and not the plate itself.

"It's breakfast in bed!" He plops the plate onto my unprepared stomach, spilling another marshmallow.

I sit up slowly and survey the feast. "Oh, Andrew you shouldn't have!" I mean it more than he could ever know. There they are--all his favorites, sitting right on my plate.

A handful of chocolate chips next to a handful of jellybeans. Two tootsie rolls. A graham cracker with a dollop of whipped cream (artfully done, I must add). Six sugar cubes, and of course, the marshmallows.

"Oops! I forgot your coffee! I'll be right back." He scampers out of the room, leaving me to ponder his gift.

The first realization I have is that we need a lock for the baking cupboard. The second--and more sobering--thought is that I have to eat some of this stuff or Andrew will be disappointed. I weigh my options as I hear footsteps returning. I quickly scoop up the jellybeans and deposit them in my pillowcase.

"Here you go!" He sets a mug on my nightstand and watches proudly as I pick it up.

Ahh...morning coffee, I think naively. Maybe I can get through this. And then I take the first sip. Ahh...yesterday's coffee, I correct, shuddering from the impact of ice cold liquid slithering down my throat. Of course, it's from yesterday. What had I been thinking? Andrew doesn't know how to make coffee yet. I make a mental note to teach him how, right after . . . breakfast.

He rounds the bed and hops onto the other side. The waterbed does a roll, and I precariously balance the coffee and the heavy plate. He's going to watch me take every last sip and nibble.

I have to find a way to get him out of the room. "Uh, aren't you going to have some?" I ask hopefully.

"Already ate. It's good, isn't it?"

"Oh, . . . yes, Andrew. But you know, it's really the thought that counts, don't you think?"

"What's that mean?"

"It means that . . . well, the best part of this breakfast is the fact that you took the time to make it, and . . . it's not the eating part that's so special, it's the . . . uh . . .the . . ."

"Hey, what's this?" A few renegade jellybeans roll out of the pillowcase.

"How'd those get there? I ask lamely. "Must have slipped off my plate somehow."

"I'll get 'em for you, Mom."

And he does. Every last one. As he settles in to enjoy my predicament, I begin the task. I take a bite. I "ooh" and "ahh." I fight the revulsion. And try hard not to laugh at him.

I am touched at this thoughtfulness, but I am also surprised. Hasn't my darling son been watching me every morning of his four years? Doesn't he know me better than this? Mornings for me consist of coffee, and maybe more coffee, but almost never food, well maybe some home made cookies, upon occasion.

Well, I know I have a full day ahead. First off, I have to teach Andrew how to make coffee. I need to go to the post office, and then shopping. I have recycling to drop off. I want to get at least a bit of exercise in there somewhere. Then my other son will be out of school. Oh, and a quiet time.

Hmmm . . . I review my list and all the "I needs" and "I want" pop out at me. My quiet time nearly suffocated under all the other "have to's."

I began to argue, these aren't frivolous things. It's good that Andrew learns new skills, and . . . and the bills need to get to the post office, and the house does need to be looked after . . . and . . . I need to recycle to help save the planet…right?

"Hey, Mom--how come you're not eating?"

I had nearly forgotten my little breakfast warden. "You know, honey, I'm getting so full. How 'bout if we save some of this till later?" He, he.

"Yeah, okay." He scoops up my plate. "Want the rest of your coffee?"

"No, no!" I respond a bit too forcefully. "You can take that, too."

He starts for the door. "Are you glad I made you breakfast in bed, Mom?"

"Oh Andrew, I'm gladder than you could know."

"Well, I was going to make you new coffee, but I didn't know how."

"That's okay, Andrew, 'cause you know--it's really the thought that counts. But I was thinking, maybe we can do something about that. How about if later today I teach you how to use the coffee maker?"

"Yeah!" He's excited. "But let's do it right now!"

"Later, honey. I promise."


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This happened eleven years ago. The memory is still there, as if it just happened yesterday. I can hardly believe how much my little boy has grown, he turns 15 this Saturday. In a way I wish maybe I should have never taught him how to make that coffee. Andrew and his older brother now drink it more often than I do.

Thankful he's drunk

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"

The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

The Rose Within

A certain man planted a rose and watered it faithfully and before it blossomed, he examined it.

He saw the bud that would soon blossom, but noticed thorns upon the stem and he thought, "How can any beautiful flower come from a plant burdened with so many sharp thorns? Saddened by this thought, he neglected to water the rose, and just before it was ready to bloom... it died.

So it is with many people. Within every soul there is a rose. The God-like qualities planted in us at birth, grow amid the thorns of our faults. Many of us look at ourselves and see only the thorns, the defects.

We despair, thinking that nothing good can possibly come from us. We neglect to water the good within us, and eventually it dies. We never realize our potential.

Some people do not see the rose within themselves; someone else must show it to them. One of the greatest gifts a person can possess is to be able to reach past the thorns of another, and find the rose within them.

Laughing Baby

Turn your speakers on!
Move you mouse back and forth
OR up and down OR in circles
OR anyway you want to move it.
This is guaranteed to relieve all your stress.
Move your mouse across the page when you open this program.

Click here

http://joe-ks.com/archives_may2005/Elastic_Baby.htm

Laughter Quotes

We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh.--Agnes Repplier

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.--Mark Twain

The more you find out about the world, the more opportunities there are to laugh at it.--Bill Nye

Laughter is by definition healthy.--Doris Lessing

Laugh at yourself first, before anyone else can.--Elsa Maxwell

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.--Edgar Watson Howe

Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.--Bob Newhart

You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh - it's as simple as that.--Jay Leno

If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.--Jimmy Buffett

I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized music in the world.--Peter Ustinov

Man is distinguished from all other creatures by the faculty of laughter.--Joseph Addison

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.--Larry Gelbart

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.--Lord Byron

He deserves Paradise who makes his companions laugh.--Koran

In this life he laughs longest who laughs last.--John Masefield

He who laughs, lasts!--Mary Pettibone Poole

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.--Michael Pritchard

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.--Victor Borge

Laughter is inner jogging.--Norman Cousins

You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.--Stephen King

Beware of too much laughter, for it deadens the mind and produces oblivion.--The Talmud

Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.--W. H. Auden

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.--e e cummings