Rules for being human

1. You will receive a body. You may like it, or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full time informal school called life. Each day in this school you have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think they are irrelevant and stupid.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error and experimentation. The ”failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately ”works”.

4. A lesson is repeated until learned… A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go to the next lesson. Periodically, the lesson will be re- presented to see if you still remember it.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learnt. If no lessons is being presented, it is likely that you are no longer alive.

6. ”There” is no better than ”here”. When your ”there” has become a ”here”, you will simply acquire another ”there”. That will again look better than ”here”.

7. Others are simply mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you make of them is up to you; the choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie inside you. The answers to life’s questions lie inside you. All you have to do is look, listen and trust.

10. You will forget all this. That fact is itself a lesson.

Stress Management Technique

This actually does work........


Just in case you are having a rough day (week, year, and life), here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.
The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

 

  1. Picture yourself lying on your stomach on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

 2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

 3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

 4. No one knows your secret place.

 5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

 6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
 
 7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the asshole you are holding underwater.
 
  
 There!! See? It really does work. You're smiling already.
  

Orange Marmalade Cream Cake

1 pkg (18.25 oz each) white cake mix
4 ounces cream cheese
2 tablespoons butter, softened
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 teaspoons freshly grated orange peel (1 med orange = about 2 tsp)
2 tablespoons fresh orange juice
2 cups confectioners' sugar
1/3 cup orange marmalade


Directions
Preheat oven according to cake mix directions. Spray two 9-inch round cake pans with baking spray. Prepare and bake cake according to package directions.
Cool cakes in pans for 10 minutes, then transfer to wire racks. Cool completely, about 15 minutes.
Combine cream cheese and butter in large mixing bowl; cream together until very smooth. Add vanilla, orange peel, orange juice and sugar; blend until smooth.
Place one cake layer onto cake plate. Spread with thin layer of cream cheese mixture. Top with orange marmalade, spreading evenly to the edge of the cake. Place second cake layer over first; frost cake with remaining cream cheese mixture.

Macaroon Cookies

Ingredients

• 1.5 cup flaked sweetened coconut
• 1/2 cup sugar
• 1/4 cup white all-purpose flour
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 3 egg whites, at room temperature
• 1/2 tsp vanilla extract
• 1/2 tsp almond extract

Directions

1 Preheat oven to 325°F. Line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper or aluminum foil.
2 In medium bowl, use a rubber spatula or wooden spoon to combine coconut, sugar, flour and salt.
3 Stir in egg whites and extracts until well blended. Drop by rounded teaspoonful on prepared baking sheets.
4 Bake for 18-20 minutes, or until golden brown. Move cookies with parchment paper or foil and place on rack to cool.
5 When cool, remove from paper or foil and store in sealed container.

You can also drizzle chocolate over them after cooled. 

All I Need To Know I Learned From The Easter Bunny

All I need to know

I learned from the Easter Bunny!

Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

There's no such thing as too much candy.

All work and no play can make you a basket case.

A cute tail attracts a lot of attention.

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

Some body parts should be floppy.

Keep your paws off of other people's jelly beans.

Good things come in small, sugar coated packages.

The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.

To show your true colors, you have to come out of the shell.

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

May the joy of the season fill your heart.

Happy Easter!

Just Be There

A nurse took a tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside of a dying man.

"Your son is here,"  the nurse said to the old man.
She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eyes opened.


Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement.


The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed.All through the night the young Marine sat there in the poorly lightedward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength. Occasionally, the nurse suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile.

He refused. Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients.


Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night.


Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited.


Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her.

"Who was that man?" he asked.


The nurse was startled, "He was your father," she answered.

"No, he wasn't," the Marine replied. "I never saw him before in my life."


"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"


"I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed his son, and his son just wasn't here. When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me, I stayed. I came here tonight to find a Mr. William Grey. His Son was Killed in Iraq today, and I was sent to
inform him.

What was this gentleman's name?"

The Nurse with Tears in Her Eyes Answered,
Mr. William Grey.............



The next time someone needs you ... just be there.. Stay.




WE ARE NOT HUMAN BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE..

WE ARE SPIRITUAL BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY HUMAN EXPERIENCE.

Death During Sex

Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack. As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.

The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind. The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it. During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.

Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"

Two Nuns in a Park

Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.

Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!!!"

Easy Cheese Cake

2 cans (8 oz. each) refrigerated crescent dinner rolls, divided
2 pkg. (8 oz. each) PHILADELPHIA Cream Cheese, softened
1 tsp. vanilla
1 egg, slightly beaten
3/4 cup sugar, divided
2 Tbsp. ground cinnamon


PREHEAT oven to 350°F. Unroll 1 of the cans of crescent dough. Press onto bottom of greased 13x9-inch baking pan to form crust, firmly pressing seams together to seal.

BEAT cream cheese, vanilla, egg and 1/2 cup of the sugar with electric mixer on medium speed until well blended. Spread onto crust.

UNROLL remaining can of crescent dough onto large sheet of wax paper. Pat out dough to form 13x9-inch rectangle, pressing seams together to seal. Invert over cream cheese mixture to form top crust; discard wax paper.

BAKE 30 to 35 min. or until golden brown. Combine remaining 1/4 cup sugar and cinnamon in small bowl; sprinkle over squares before cutting.



Substitute

Prepare as directed, using reduced fat refrigerated crescent dinner rolls and PHILADELPHIA Neufchatel, 1/3 Less Fat than Cream Cheese.

Christmas Egg Nog

A Holiday Classic! Makes about 38 1/2 cup servings.

Ingredients

12 eggs separated 1 cup sugar 1 1/2 cups bourbon 1/2 cup brandy 6 cups milk ground nutmeg 1 cup heavy whipping cream

Instructions

1. In large bowl with mixer at low speed, beat egg yolks with sugar. At high speed, beat until thick and lemon colored, about 15 minutes, frequently scraping bowl. 2. Beat in bourbon and brandy, one tablespoon at a time to prevent curdling. Cover and chill. 3. About 20 minutes before serving, in chilled 5-6 qt. punch bowl, stir yolk mixture, milk and 1 1/4 teaspoons nutmeg. 4. In large bowl with mixer at high speed, beat egg whites until soft peaks form. 5. In small bowl, using same beaters, beat cream until stiff peaks form. 6. With wire whisk, gently fold egg whites and cream into yolk mixture until just blended and serve.

Peanut Brittle

Packed with peanuts, this classic candy is both crunchy and melt-in-your-mouth delicious. Makes 45 pieces. Total time: 1 hour.

Ingredients

2 3/4 cups granulated sugar 1/2 stick unsalted butter 2/3 cup water 1 1/2 cups lightly salted peanuts

Instructions

Step 1: Grease and line a 9 x 13-inch pan with foil. Step 2: In a large, heavy saucepan over moderate heat, cook the sugar, butter, and water, stirring occasionally, until the mixture becomes a golden-brown syrup, about 25 minutes. Remove to a cool surface. Step 3: Stir in the peanuts and pour mixture into the pan, spreading the nuts evenly. Step 4: Let peanut brittle set and cool before breaking into bite-size pieces. It can be stored in an airtight container in a cool, dry place for up to 1 month.

Divinity

Makes 40 pieces

Ingredients

* 2 1/2 cups sugar
* 1/2 cup light corn syrup
* 1/2 cup water
* 1/4 teaspoon salt
* 2 egg whites
* 1 teaspoon vanilla
* 1/2 cup chopped pecans (optional) or cherries (optional)

Directions

1.In a 2 quart saucepan combine sugar, corn syrup, water, and salt.
2.Cook to hardball stage, (260 degrees), stirring only until sugar dissolves.
3.Meanwhile, as temperature of syrup reaches 250 degrees, beat egg white till stiff peaks form.
4.When syrup reaches 260 degrees, very gradually add the syrup to egg whites, beating at high speed with electric mixer.
5.Add vanilla and beat until candy holds its shape, 4-5 minutes.
6.Stir in the chopped nuts or cherries, if desired.
7.Quickly drop candy from a teaspoon onto waxed paper, swirling the top of each piece.
8.Let cool.

What to Wear on Halloween?

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his Leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he Receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume.. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his Wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint..

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Talking Dog For Sale!

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

Teddy Bears

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

She replied, "You may select any prize from the bottom self."

Man Eats Underwear to Beat Breathalyzer

Pictures of Female Diana Butterfly

While out walking Sunday afternoon, I had the rare privilege of observing and photographing a female Diana Butterfly. Apparently they are rarely seen in August, and are considered a sensitive species. It landed lightly on some tall purple thistle, that was growing abundantly along the edge of the tree line, going out towards an open field. I was able to watch this fascinating butterfly up close for almost 5 minutes before it fluttered above my head briefly, as if watching me, and then disappeared across an open field. It was one of the largest butterflies I’ve ever seen in Oklahoma.

Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie Went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old Grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our Advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply, in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along!'

A Cat Goes to Heaven

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "you have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."

The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over, are the best!"

Gorilla in a Tree

A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book and sure enough finds an ad for "Gorilla Pest Control." When he asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, "Is it male or female?"

"Male," he replies.

"Oh yeah, we can do that. I'll be right there," he states.

An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Rottweiler, a shotgun, and a large pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. "I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Rotty will move in and savage the gorilla's private parts. The gorilla will then cross his hands across his crotch to protect himself, and that's when you move in with the handcuffs!"

The man goes pale and asks, "Um, okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "Hopefully nothing, but if I happen to fall out of the tree before the gorilla, you've got to shoot that Rottweiler!"