Little Mary

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ”Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?” When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ”God Almighty !” shouted Mary and the teacher said, ”Very good” and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ”Who is our Lord and Savior?” But Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ”Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary and the teacher said, ”Very good,” and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ”What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ”If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!” The Teacher fainted.

Searching for Happiness

Raindrops on roses, children’s wet kisses.
These are some of the things my mind misses.

Freshly cut grass in the summer
and bright red blooming flowers
Are just some of the things I enjoy,
along with spring showers.

Snowflakes that fall in the winter, a long spring drive.
These are some of the things that make me feel alive.

Baby puppies breath and tan colored walls.
Children dressed up nice and kids playing with balls.
A bright full moon late at night
Are some of the things that help me see the light.

A long swim at the lake, fishing from the shore
These are some of the things I adore.

When I feel all hope is lost
And I want to feel better at any cost
I just think about all these things,
And the happiness it brings.

Stress Reducing Ideas

Relax your standards. The world will not end if the grass doesn't get moved this weekend.

Unplug your phone. Want to take a long bath, meditate, sleep, or read without interruption? Drum up the courage to temporarily disconnect. (The possibility of there being a terrible emergency in the next hour or so is almost nil).

When feeling stressed, most people tend to breathe in short, shallow breaths. When you breathe like this, stale air is not expelled, oxidation of the tissues is incomplete, and muscle tension frequently results. Check your breathing throughout the day, and before, during, and after high-pressure situations. If you find your stomach muscles are knotted and your breathing is shallow, relax all your muscles and take several deep, slow breaths. Note how, when you're relaxed, both your abdomen and chest expand when you breathe.

Writing your thoughts and feelings down (in a journal, or on paper to be thrown away) can help you clarify things and can give you a renewed perspective.

Everyday, do something you really enjoy.

Some things I always wanted to do...

Fill a bottle with water from the Atlantic Ocean and empty it into the Pacific Ocean

I want to go on a road trip to nowhere...just drive until I run out of gas, fill back up and come back home.

Be able to change someone else’s life.

Get a tattoo

Learn how to better control my emotions.

Publish my story.

Go around dropping $100 dollar bills in random places just so strangers will find the money and feel lucky for at least one day.

Find the message I put in a bottle 25 years ago, and post it on my blog.

Lose weight and start weight lifting again.

Sign up for some college classes.

Get a new hair style...or at least cut what I’ve got shorter.

Why we live to be 80

The Way it Started


On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty
years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.

I'm a little stressed

I posted this on one of my other sites a couple years ago...but I still think its funny.

********************

I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture. The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing. Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

No Need to Reply,

I'll be on Vacation

Never take life seriously.

Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Memories

Warm moist breath floats across my cheek. The smell of sugar hits my senses, forcing my weary eyelids to rise slowly. Two wide, mischievous brown eyes stare down at me from four inches above my face.

"Good. You're awake," my youngest son pronounces in a voice at least ten decibels louder than I would ever care to hear this early in the morning.
It doesn't help that his mouth is just inches from my ear.

"Andrew," I mutter thickly, "I smell sugar. Have you been in the sugar?"

"Nope, I made you a surprise."

The words "I made" cause my heart to beat a bit faster. I'm just waking, and Andrew had no supervision while he "made" whatever it is he made. I assess the possibilities. Did it involve a glue gun? paint? A chainsaw?

"Oops!" Andrew says. Two soft, round orbs bounce off my head and onto the pillow. "I'm spilling your surprise."

I turn my head and stare at the two marshmallows on my bed. "You made me something with marshmallows?"

"Aren't you exited?" He lowers the plate I hadn't noticed him holding high above my head. It's big, heavy and stoneware--and I am suddenly thankful to be hit by marshmallows and not the plate itself.

"It's breakfast in bed!" He plops the plate onto my unprepared stomach, spilling another marshmallow.

I sit up slowly and survey the feast. "Oh, Andrew you shouldn't have!" I mean it more than he could ever know. There they are--all his favorites, sitting right on my plate.

A handful of chocolate chips next to a handful of jellybeans. Two tootsie rolls. A graham cracker with a dollop of whipped cream (artfully done, I must add). Six sugar cubes, and of course, the marshmallows.

"Oops! I forgot your coffee! I'll be right back." He scampers out of the room, leaving me to ponder his gift.

The first realization I have is that we need a lock for the baking cupboard. The second--and more sobering--thought is that I have to eat some of this stuff or Andrew will be disappointed. I weigh my options as I hear footsteps returning. I quickly scoop up the jellybeans and deposit them in my pillowcase.

"Here you go!" He sets a mug on my nightstand and watches proudly as I pick it up.

Ahh...morning coffee, I think naively. Maybe I can get through this. And then I take the first sip. Ahh...yesterday's coffee, I correct, shuddering from the impact of ice cold liquid slithering down my throat. Of course, it's from yesterday. What had I been thinking? Andrew doesn't know how to make coffee yet. I make a mental note to teach him how, right after . . . breakfast.

He rounds the bed and hops onto the other side. The waterbed does a roll, and I precariously balance the coffee and the heavy plate. He's going to watch me take every last sip and nibble.

I have to find a way to get him out of the room. "Uh, aren't you going to have some?" I ask hopefully.

"Already ate. It's good, isn't it?"

"Oh, . . . yes, Andrew. But you know, it's really the thought that counts, don't you think?"

"What's that mean?"

"It means that . . . well, the best part of this breakfast is the fact that you took the time to make it, and . . . it's not the eating part that's so special, it's the . . . uh . . .the . . ."

"Hey, what's this?" A few renegade jellybeans roll out of the pillowcase.

"How'd those get there? I ask lamely. "Must have slipped off my plate somehow."

"I'll get 'em for you, Mom."

And he does. Every last one. As he settles in to enjoy my predicament, I begin the task. I take a bite. I "ooh" and "ahh." I fight the revulsion. And try hard not to laugh at him.

I am touched at this thoughtfulness, but I am also surprised. Hasn't my darling son been watching me every morning of his four years? Doesn't he know me better than this? Mornings for me consist of coffee, and maybe more coffee, but almost never food, well maybe some home made cookies, upon occasion.

Well, I know I have a full day ahead. First off, I have to teach Andrew how to make coffee. I need to go to the post office, and then shopping. I have recycling to drop off. I want to get at least a bit of exercise in there somewhere. Then my other son will be out of school. Oh, and a quiet time.

Hmmm . . . I review my list and all the "I needs" and "I want" pop out at me. My quiet time nearly suffocated under all the other "have to's."

I began to argue, these aren't frivolous things. It's good that Andrew learns new skills, and . . . and the bills need to get to the post office, and the house does need to be looked after . . . and . . . I need to recycle to help save the planet…right?

"Hey, Mom--how come you're not eating?"

I had nearly forgotten my little breakfast warden. "You know, honey, I'm getting so full. How 'bout if we save some of this till later?" He, he.

"Yeah, okay." He scoops up my plate. "Want the rest of your coffee?"

"No, no!" I respond a bit too forcefully. "You can take that, too."

He starts for the door. "Are you glad I made you breakfast in bed, Mom?"

"Oh Andrew, I'm gladder than you could know."

"Well, I was going to make you new coffee, but I didn't know how."

"That's okay, Andrew, 'cause you know--it's really the thought that counts. But I was thinking, maybe we can do something about that. How about if later today I teach you how to use the coffee maker?"

"Yeah!" He's excited. "But let's do it right now!"

"Later, honey. I promise."


*********************************************************

This happened eleven years ago. The memory is still there, as if it just happened yesterday. I can hardly believe how much my little boy has grown, he turns 15 this Saturday. In a way I wish maybe I should have never taught him how to make that coffee. Andrew and his older brother now drink it more often than I do.

Thankful he's drunk

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"

The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

The Rose Within

A certain man planted a rose and watered it faithfully and before it blossomed, he examined it.

He saw the bud that would soon blossom, but noticed thorns upon the stem and he thought, "How can any beautiful flower come from a plant burdened with so many sharp thorns? Saddened by this thought, he neglected to water the rose, and just before it was ready to bloom... it died.

So it is with many people. Within every soul there is a rose. The God-like qualities planted in us at birth, grow amid the thorns of our faults. Many of us look at ourselves and see only the thorns, the defects.

We despair, thinking that nothing good can possibly come from us. We neglect to water the good within us, and eventually it dies. We never realize our potential.

Some people do not see the rose within themselves; someone else must show it to them. One of the greatest gifts a person can possess is to be able to reach past the thorns of another, and find the rose within them.

Laughing Baby

Turn your speakers on!
Move you mouse back and forth
OR up and down OR in circles
OR anyway you want to move it.
This is guaranteed to relieve all your stress.
Move your mouse across the page when you open this program.

Click here

http://joe-ks.com/archives_may2005/Elastic_Baby.htm

Laughter Quotes

We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh.--Agnes Repplier

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.--Mark Twain

The more you find out about the world, the more opportunities there are to laugh at it.--Bill Nye

Laughter is by definition healthy.--Doris Lessing

Laugh at yourself first, before anyone else can.--Elsa Maxwell

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.--Edgar Watson Howe

Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.--Bob Newhart

You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh - it's as simple as that.--Jay Leno

If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.--Jimmy Buffett

I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized music in the world.--Peter Ustinov

Man is distinguished from all other creatures by the faculty of laughter.--Joseph Addison

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.--Larry Gelbart

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.--Lord Byron

He deserves Paradise who makes his companions laugh.--Koran

In this life he laughs longest who laughs last.--John Masefield

He who laughs, lasts!--Mary Pettibone Poole

You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.--Michael Pritchard

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.--Victor Borge

Laughter is inner jogging.--Norman Cousins

You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.--Stephen King

Beware of too much laughter, for it deadens the mind and produces oblivion.--The Talmud

Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.--W. H. Auden

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.--e e cummings