Friday, December 11, 2009

Christmas Egg Nog

A Holiday Classic! Makes about 38 1/2 cup servings.
Ingredients
12 eggs separated
1 cup sugar
1 1/2 cups bourbon
1/2 cup brandy
6 cups milk
ground nutmeg
1 cup heavy whipping cream
Instructions
1. In large bowl with mixer at low speed, beat egg yolks with sugar. At high speed, beat until thick and lemon colored, about 15 minutes, frequently scraping bowl.

2. Beat in bourbon and brandy, one tablespoon at a time to prevent curdling. Cover and chill.

3. About 20 minutes before serving, in chilled 5-6 qt. punch bowl, stir yolk mixture, milk and 1 1/4 teaspoons nutmeg.

4. In large bowl with mixer at high speed, beat egg whites until soft peaks form.

5. In small bowl, using same beaters, beat cream until stiff peaks form.

6. With wire whisk, gently fold egg whites and cream into yolk mixture until just blended and serve.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Peanut Brittle


Packed with peanuts, this classic candy is both crunchy and melt-in-your-mouth delicious.

Makes 45 pieces.
Total time: 1 hour.
Ingredients
2 3/4 cups granulated sugar
1/2 stick unsalted butter
2/3 cup water
1 1/2 cups lightly salted peanuts
Instructions
Step 1:
Grease and line a 9 x 13-inch pan with foil.

Step 2:
In a large, heavy saucepan over moderate heat, cook the sugar, butter, and water, stirring occasionally, until the mixture becomes a golden-brown syrup, about 25 minutes. Remove to a cool surface.

Step 3:
Stir in the peanuts and pour mixture into the pan, spreading the nuts evenly.

Step 4:
Let peanut brittle set and cool before breaking into bite-size pieces. It can be stored in an airtight container in a cool, dry place for up to 1 month.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Divinity

Makes 40 pieces

Ingredients

* 2 1/2 cups sugar
* 1/2 cup light corn syrup
* 1/2 cup water
* 1/4 teaspoon salt
* 2 egg whites
* 1 teaspoon vanilla
* 1/2 cup chopped pecans (optional) or cherries (optional)

Directions

1.In a 2 quart saucepan combine sugar, corn syrup, water, and salt.
2.Cook to hardball stage, (260 degrees), stirring only until sugar dissolves.
3.Meanwhile, as temperature of syrup reaches 250 degrees, beat egg white till stiff peaks form.
4.When syrup reaches 260 degrees, very gradually add the syrup to egg whites, beating at high speed with electric mixer.
5.Add vanilla and beat until candy holds its shape, 4-5 minutes.
6.Stir in the chopped nuts or cherries, if desired.
7.Quickly drop candy from a teaspoon onto waxed paper, swirling the top of each piece.
8.Let cool.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

What to Wear on Halloween?

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween Party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his Leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his Wooden Leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he Receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's costume.. The long robe will cover your Wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his Wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the Company another nasty letter of complaint..

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
We have TRIED our very BEST Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your Wooden Leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Talking Dog For Sale!

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Teddy Bears

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

She replied, "You may select any prize from the bottom self."

Monday, August 24, 2009

Pictures of Female Diana Butterfly


While out walking Sunday afternoon, I had the rare privilege of observing and photographing a female Diana Butterfly. Apparently they are rarely seen in August, and are considered a sensitive species. It landed lightly on some tall purple thistle, that was growing abundantly along the edge of the tree line, going out towards an open field. I was able to watch this fascinating butterfly up close for almost 5 minutes before it fluttered above my head briefly, as if watching me, and then disappeared across an open field. It was one of the largest butterflies I’ve ever seen in Oklahoma.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie Went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old Grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our Advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply, in on the Ding and out on the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along!'

Thursday, July 16, 2009

A Cat Goes to Heaven

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "you have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."

The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."

God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"

The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over, are the best!"

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Gorilla in a Tree

A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book and sure enough finds an ad for "Gorilla Pest Control." When he asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, "Is it male or female?"

"Male," he replies.

"Oh yeah, we can do that. I'll be right there," he states.

An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Rottweiler, a shotgun, and a large pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. "I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Rotty will move in and savage the gorilla's private parts. The gorilla will then cross his hands across his crotch to protect himself, and that's when you move in with the handcuffs!"

The man goes pale and asks, "Um, okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "Hopefully nothing, but if I happen to fall out of the tree before the gorilla, you've got to shoot that Rottweiler!"

Friday, July 3, 2009

Blowing Chunks

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz.

The bartender says "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it?"

The man says, "I hate that shit. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks.

The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks."

"You don't understand", says the man, "Chunks is my dog."

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

ABC's of Life

A void negative sources, people, places, and habits.
B elieve in yourself.
C onsider things from every angle.
D on’t give up and don’t give in.
E verything you’re looking for lies behind the mask you wear.
F amily and friends are hidden treasures, seek them and enjoy their riches.
G ive more than you planned to.
H ang on to your dreams.
I f opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.
J udge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
K eep trying no matter how hard it seems.
L ove yourself.
M ake it happen.
N ever lie, steal or cheat.
O pen your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
P ractice makes perfect.
Q uality not quantity in anything you do.
R emember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
S top procrastinating.
T ake control of your own destiny.
U nderstand yourself in order to better understand others.
V isualize it.
W hen you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
X cellence in all your efforts.
Y ou are unique, nothing can replace you.
Z ero in on your target and go for it.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Adult Joke

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says "Don't worry. That was an insect."

To which one of the boys replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Man and His Equipment

We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happens to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8ft.long ground rod, drove it 7.5 feet in the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the backyard and with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in he yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower round the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running mower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigabit fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover, Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who could control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and cum at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than an half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times.

It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close
together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I'm 30 minutes ( maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.

I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the damp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.

At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. Damn!, I think, as I remember I just filled up the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.

Covered in poop, pee, jazzed , and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God,please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from it's owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created...

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had some how let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrical induced sleep I realized a few things.

1. Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2. I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3. poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you think.
4. My left eye will not open.
5. My right eye will not close.
6. The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now, seriously I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7.My balls are still smaller than average, yet they are almost a foot long.
8. I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this.)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence , I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which reminds me to triple check before I mow.

Kids Go Shopping

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight", the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those".

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Guilty Dave

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming. But every once in awhile he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

'Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go Dave.'

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering:





Dave ..............

Dave..................................






YOU'RE A VETERINARIAN, YOU SICK BASTARD!!!

Butterfly Art





(Click on pictures to Enlarge)

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Have You Ever Wondered....

I'm just passing this thought along.....

Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?

If not, you're wondering now.
______________________

More Have you ever wondered....

If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
How the guy who drives the snowplow gets to work in the morning?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Did you know? ...

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
Males, on average, think about sex every 7 seconds.
Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave. Go on, try it then.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
1 in every 200 people are a psychopath and they look just like everyone else.

Have a nice day!

Friday, May 15, 2009

Little Tyrone

A 1st grade teacher in a Detroit, MI elementary school asked her students if they could tell the class what sound a pig makes.


Little Tyrone stood up and said, "Up against the wall mother fucker!"

Thursday, April 30, 2009

You Know You Grew Up in Tornado Alley if...

You know you grew up in tornado alley if...

The first thing you do if you hear tornado sirens during the day is check your watch to see if it's noon...or run outside to look.

You don't get worried unless the sky looks "green".

You use the word "tornado" as a verb.

You chuckle at all the facebook groups called "I survived the ___ tornado."

You might go indoors when there's a tornado, but you won't "seek shelter" for anything less than an F3.

You know what Doppler radar, Hook echo, wall cloud, and rain-wrapped all mean. And you can read the radar map.

You've never exactly memorized the tornado precautions, but you've heard them enough times that you know them by heart anyway.

Watching the weather is entertaining. And red on the Doppler radar is exciting.

The phrase "Tornado on the ground, take your immediate tornado precautions" sends exciting shivers up your spine.

You've seen photos/videos of tornados and said, "Wow, that's a nice one!"

You can feel/smell tornado weather brewing a few hours before the storm actually begins.

There's an odd feeling as though you've misplaced something if you make it all the way to June without a tornado warning near you.

You think people that live in earthquake and/or hurricane prone areas are crazy.

You know what people are talking about when they mention the "May 3rd/Moore(Oklahoma)" tornado and the "Greensburg(Kansas)/May4th" tornado.

You watch the movie "Twister" just so you can point out all the inaccuracies in it.

You know your weathermen by their first names. i.e. Travis.

When you hear the tornado sirens go off, you go outside to watch the storm and take pictures.

Most of the tornado video footage comes from everyday people with camcorders instead of from actual news/weathermen.

You're sure there's a giant tornado magnet hidden somewhere in Moore. And that there are smaller ones distributed throughout trailer parks.

You know that the four seasons are actually: summer, late summer, winter (if you're lucky), and tornado.

You don't consider it windy until the windspeed is faster than 30mph.

You are highly entertained by people from outside tornado alley when there is a tornado watch.

You learned that some other states don't have tornado drills from this list.

There's enough random stuff in your tornado shelter that you could live there for a year.

You stand under your carport or open your front door to watch hail and/or thunderstorms.

You know the difference between a basement, a cellar, and a storm shelter.

The weather is a completely acceptable subject for conversation, at any time, for any occasion.

Your local mall has "tornado shelter" signs posted.

It doesn't bother you the next day to find out that your area was under a tornado watch the night before and you had no idea. Unless, of course, it caused you to miss some interesting cloud formations.

Getting to "play" in the basement/cellar/storm shelter numbers among your favorite childhood memories.

You keep matches, candles, and candleholders in more than one place in your house.

Your town will never get hit by a tornado because you're between two rivers or because an old Indian legend says so.

You complain about severe weather reports that interrupt the TV show you're watching.

You can get together all your most important possessions in 2 minutes flat.

When tornado sirens woke you up in the middle of the night...you rolled over and went back to sleep.

You've ever tried to reassure someone by saying that "if anything forms it will only be a little tornado"...and couldn't understand why this didn't calm them down any.

It's normal for your area to be under a tornado watch for multiple days in a row.

When looking at houses/buildings you give them a "tornado survival ranking". i.e., how big of a tornado it would take to destroy it. Also, if you are in a new building or house, you evaluate in your mind the best place to take shelter.

You've ever asked (probably w/ disdain) "Don't they know the difference between a warning and a watch?"

You know what towns/cities a tornado normally passes through before coming your way.

From watching radar maps, you've heard of almost every small town in your state. And you know what towns are around them, but you have no idea where in the state they are.

You know what the freight-train noise sounds like from personal experience.

You laughed at everything in this list, but you also respect a tornado's power. And you know that after it's over, clean-up and re-building has to begin

Saturday, April 25, 2009

How Poor Are We

One day a father of a rich family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing him how poor people can be. They spent a day and a night on the farm of a very poor family. When they got back from their trip the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"

"Very good, Dad!"

"Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked.

"Yeah!"

"And what did you learn?"

The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog at home, and they have four.

We have a pool that reaches to the middle of the garden. They have a creek that has no end. We have imported lamps in the garden. They have the stars.

Our patio reaches to the front yard, they have a whole horizon."

When the little boy was finishing, his father was speechless.

His son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are!"

Friday, April 24, 2009

Rainbow

Click to enlarge



Thursday, April 23, 2009

Three Kick Rule

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigate responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field,and now I'm going to retrieve it.'

The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.'

The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee.

We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?

The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.'

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.

He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.'

(I love this part)



The old farmer smiled and said , 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck

I'm still laughing!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Saying Goodbye to Mother

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.

The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said,as we drove away.

'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Easter Joke

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Why Parents Drink

Passing by my son's bedroom, I was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then I saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mom.'

With the worst premonition I opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Mom:


It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

We'll be growing marijuana for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son
Andrew


PS. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tony's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer.


I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

Monday, March 16, 2009

A Kid and His Frog

A kid is walking down the street and behind him he is pulling a squashed frog. He finally gets to where he is going and it turns out to be the local cat house. He goes inside and tells the Madam that he has money and would like to have sex with a certain girl.

The madam questions him at first but since he does have the money figures why the hell not. So, she asks the boy, "Which girl?"

"I would like to have sex with Christie" the boy answered.

" Why Christie?" Asks the madam. " She is the most diseased girl I got. I have several younger and cleaner girls that you could have"

" All I know is that I hear all the men say that have to get a shot after having sex with her. I have the money, now I want to have sex with her."

The madam relents and shows the boy upstairs. After a little while he comes back down and is getting ready to leave when the madam says, " I have two questions, why did you want to have sex with Christie and why are you dragging a squashed frog behind you?"

So the boy answers, " Tonight my parents will go out. They always get me the same babysitter because she doesn't charge much, but she does have a fondness for young boys and will have sex with me like she always does. After which she will have what I just got from Christie. When they get back home my dad will take her home but on the way he will stop and have his way with her, and thus catching the disease that I gave her."

" When my dad gets back home he will go upstairs and make love to my mom giving her the disease that he got from the babysitter. In the morning, after my dad leaves for work the milkman will come by and will have his way with my mom and he will get the same disease."

After all this the madam asks, "Why would you want to give the milkman an std?"

The boy responds " CAUSE THAT'S THE GOD DAMN BASTARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!!!!!!!"

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Cyber Sex

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of Cybersex. Then again, maybe he does....

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Wal-Mart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner. It's smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you! Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hands suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly...I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing you hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take of my panties!

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you... ummm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking!

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit! I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover!

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know...thing...in your... you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener is all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell! I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh nooooo!

Sweetheart: Bye!!!

Friday, March 13, 2009

The Meaning of the word FUCK

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories.
· It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).
· It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).

· It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary).
· It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid).
As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations...

Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
Fraud "I got fucked by the car dealer."
Resignation "Oh, fuck it!"
Trouble "I guess I'm fucked now."
Aggression "FUCK YOU!"
Disgust "Fuck me."
Confusion "What the fuck.......?"
Difficulty "I don't understand this fucking business!"
Despair "Fucked again..."
Pleasure "I fucking couldn't be happier."
Displeasure "What the fuck is going on here?"
Lost "Where the fuck are we."
Disbelief "UNFUCKING BELIEVABLE!"
Retaliation "Up your fucking ass!"
Denial "I didn't fucking do it."
Perplexity "I know fuck all about it."
Apathy "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
Greetings "How the fuck are ya?"
Suspicion "Who the fuck are you?"
Panic "Let's get the fuck out of here."
Directions "Fuck off."
Disbelief "How the fuck did you do that?"
It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Mother fucker."
It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!"

It has also been used by many notable people throughout history...
"What the fuck was that?"
- Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
- Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun."
- John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?"
- Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll."
- Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive."
- Commander of Space Shuttle
"What fucking map?"
- "Challenger," Mark Thatcher
"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
- Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!"
- Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?"
- Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?"
- Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck."
- Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!"
- Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?"
- Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass."
- Noah
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."
- John F. Kennedy

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Rainbow Quotes & Pictures

(Click on any picture to enlarge!!)




If I could catch a rainbow

I would do it just for you

And share with you its beauty

On the days you are feeling blue.



If I could build a mountain

You could call your very own

A place to find serenity



A place to be alone.

If I could take your troubles

I would toss them in the sea.

But all these things I am finding

Are impossible for me.



I cannot build a mountain

Or catch a rainbow fair

But let me be what I know best

A friend that's always there.





Life is like a rainbow...you need both the sun and the rain to make its colors appear.


In order to have friendship you must look past the color to the soul, because within the soul lives a rainbow of many colors.









May you always have work for your hands to do.
May your pockets always hold a coin or two.
May the sun always shine bright on your windowpane.
May the rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of friend always be near you.
May flowers always line your path and sunshine light your day.
May songbirds serenade you every step along the way.
May a rainbow run beside you in a sky that’s always blue.
And may happiness fill your heart each day your whole life through.




Who in the rainbow can draw the line where the violet tint ends and the orange tint begins? Distinctly we see the difference of the colors, but where exactly does the one first blendingly enter into the other? So with sanity and insanity.



Herman Melville

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Three Mice in a Bar

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."