I’m out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

Homer Simpson's philosophy of life:
"Son, when you participate in sporting events,
it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

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Crime and Punishment

A mother finds an S&M magazine under her son’s bed while cleaning his room. Understandably disturbed, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband.

"Well?" his wife asks. "What do you think we should do?"

"I'm not sure," replies the father. "But we probably shouldn’t spank him."

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The Pope, a schoolboy and President Bush are in a plane. Suddenly the pilot suffers a heart attack and the craft takes a nosedive. As the engines sputter, the three passengers try to stay calm.

'Well,' says the Pope, 'we have established that none of us can land this baby, so we're going to have to jump for it.'

'But there are only two parachutes,' says the boy, pointing to a pile of bundles by the exit.

Without hesitating, President Bush rushes over to them, takes one and shouts: 'I am the President of the United States of America. I am the world's most powerful leader. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of my country. I have a responsibility to my people not to die.'

With that, he leaps out of the plane.

Now the Pope turns calmly to the schoolboy and says: 'I am already old. I have already lived my life as a good person and a priest. There is a place for me in heaven. I insist you take the last parachute.'

'No need,' says the boy, 'intelligent President Bush has taken my schoolbag...'

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A Man and His Animals

A man decides to start a farm. So he walks into town to buy some animals. At the farmers' market he first asks for a rooster.

"We don't call them roosters here," the clerk says snootily. "We call 'em cocks."

So the man buys one cock, then points at another animal and asks: "What do you call that?"

The clerk replies: "That's a pullet."

The man agrees to buy one.
Finally, he asks for a donkey.

The clerk replies: "We don't call them donkeys,
we call 'em asses, but we only have one left and he's very temperamental."

"What's wrong with it," asks the man, who is determined that he must have a donkey.

"Once in a while it will stop walking and
it won't budge unless you scratch it behind the ears," says the clerk.

The man decides to buy it anyway,
and pays for all the animals before starting his walk home.

On the way, the donkey suddenly stops and doesn't move.

But the man has his arms full with the rooster and pullet,
so has to stop a woman who is passing by to ask for help.

"Pardon me," he asks politely,
"would you mind holding my cock and pullet, while I scratch my ass?"