You Know You Grew Up in Tornado Alley if...

You know you grew up in tornado alley if...

The first thing you do if you hear tornado sirens during the day is check your watch to see if it's noon...or run outside to look.

You don't get worried unless the sky looks "green".

You use the word "tornado" as a verb.

You chuckle at all the facebook groups called "I survived the ___ tornado."

You might go indoors when there's a tornado, but you won't "seek shelter" for anything less than an F3.

You know what Doppler radar, Hook echo, wall cloud, and rain-wrapped all mean. And you can read the radar map.

You've never exactly memorized the tornado precautions, but you've heard them enough times that you know them by heart anyway.

Watching the weather is entertaining. And red on the Doppler radar is exciting.

The phrase "Tornado on the ground, take your immediate tornado precautions" sends exciting shivers up your spine.

You've seen photos/videos of tornados and said, "Wow, that's a nice one!"

You can feel/smell tornado weather brewing a few hours before the storm actually begins.

There's an odd feeling as though you've misplaced something if you make it all the way to June without a tornado warning near you.

You think people that live in earthquake and/or hurricane prone areas are crazy.

You know what people are talking about when they mention the "May 3rd/Moore(Oklahoma)" tornado and the "Greensburg(Kansas)/May4th" tornado.

You watch the movie "Twister" just so you can point out all the inaccuracies in it.

You know your weathermen by their first names. i.e. Travis.

When you hear the tornado sirens go off, you go outside to watch the storm and take pictures.

Most of the tornado video footage comes from everyday people with camcorders instead of from actual news/weathermen.

You're sure there's a giant tornado magnet hidden somewhere in Moore. And that there are smaller ones distributed throughout trailer parks.

You know that the four seasons are actually: summer, late summer, winter (if you're lucky), and tornado.

You don't consider it windy until the windspeed is faster than 30mph.

You are highly entertained by people from outside tornado alley when there is a tornado watch.

You learned that some other states don't have tornado drills from this list.

There's enough random stuff in your tornado shelter that you could live there for a year.

You stand under your carport or open your front door to watch hail and/or thunderstorms.

You know the difference between a basement, a cellar, and a storm shelter.

The weather is a completely acceptable subject for conversation, at any time, for any occasion.

Your local mall has "tornado shelter" signs posted.

It doesn't bother you the next day to find out that your area was under a tornado watch the night before and you had no idea. Unless, of course, it caused you to miss some interesting cloud formations.

Getting to "play" in the basement/cellar/storm shelter numbers among your favorite childhood memories.

You keep matches, candles, and candleholders in more than one place in your house.

Your town will never get hit by a tornado because you're between two rivers or because an old Indian legend says so.

You complain about severe weather reports that interrupt the TV show you're watching.

You can get together all your most important possessions in 2 minutes flat.

When tornado sirens woke you up in the middle of the night...you rolled over and went back to sleep.

You've ever tried to reassure someone by saying that "if anything forms it will only be a little tornado"...and couldn't understand why this didn't calm them down any.

It's normal for your area to be under a tornado watch for multiple days in a row.

When looking at houses/buildings you give them a "tornado survival ranking". i.e., how big of a tornado it would take to destroy it. Also, if you are in a new building or house, you evaluate in your mind the best place to take shelter.

You've ever asked (probably w/ disdain) "Don't they know the difference between a warning and a watch?"

You know what towns/cities a tornado normally passes through before coming your way.

From watching radar maps, you've heard of almost every small town in your state. And you know what towns are around them, but you have no idea where in the state they are.

You know what the freight-train noise sounds like from personal experience.

You laughed at everything in this list, but you also respect a tornado's power. And you know that after it's over, clean-up and re-building has to begin

How Poor Are We

One day a father of a rich family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing him how poor people can be. They spent a day and a night on the farm of a very poor family. When they got back from their trip the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"

"Very good, Dad!"

"Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked.

"Yeah!"

"And what did you learn?"

The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog at home, and they have four.

We have a pool that reaches to the middle of the garden. They have a creek that has no end. We have imported lamps in the garden. They have the stars.

Our patio reaches to the front yard, they have a whole horizon."

When the little boy was finishing, his father was speechless.

His son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are!"

Rainbow

Click to enlarge

Three Kick Rule

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigate responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field,and now I'm going to retrieve it.'

The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.'

The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee.

We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?

The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.'

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.

He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.'

(I love this part)



The old farmer smiled and said , 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck

I'm still laughing!

Saying Goodbye to Mother

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat.

The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said,as we drove away.

'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Easter Joke

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way.

Why Parents Drink

Passing by my son's bedroom, I was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then I saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mom.'

With the worst premonition I opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Mom:


It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

We'll be growing marijuana for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son
Andrew


PS. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tony's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer.


I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.