Man and His Equipment

We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happens to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8ft.long ground rod, drove it 7.5 feet in the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the backyard and with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in he yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower round the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running mower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigabit fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover, Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who could control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and cum at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than an half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times.

It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close
together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I'm 30 minutes ( maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.

I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the damp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.

At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. Damn!, I think, as I remember I just filled up the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.

Covered in poop, pee, jazzed , and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God,please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from it's owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created...

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had some how let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrical induced sleep I realized a few things.

1. Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2. I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3. poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you think.
4. My left eye will not open.
5. My right eye will not close.
6. The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now, seriously I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7.My balls are still smaller than average, yet they are almost a foot long.
8. I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this.)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence , I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which reminds me to triple check before I mow.

Kids Go Shopping

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight", the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those".

Guilty Dave

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming. But every once in awhile he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

'Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go Dave.'

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering:





Dave ..............

Dave..................................






YOU'RE A VETERINARIAN, YOU SICK BASTARD!!!

Butterfly Art

(Click on pictures to Enlarge)

Have You Ever Wondered....

I'm just passing this thought along.....

Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?

If not, you're wondering now.
______________________

More Have you ever wondered....

If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
How the guy who drives the snowplow gets to work in the morning?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Did you know? ...

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
Males, on average, think about sex every 7 seconds.
Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave. Go on, try it then.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
1 in every 200 people are a psychopath and they look just like everyone else.

Have a nice day!

Little Tyrone

A 1st grade teacher in a Detroit, MI elementary school asked her students if they could tell the class what sound a pig makes.


Little Tyrone stood up and said, "Up against the wall mother fucker!"